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OILSHORTAGE 101
A lot of folks can't understand
how we came to have
an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
OurOILis located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Oklahoma
and
TEXAS
~~~
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington

Thanks Your Honor!

A Jamaican from Kingston moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Jamaican said, "Well sah, me used to sell likkle akee an salfish pan de streets a Kingstan."

The boss liked the Jamaican kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The Jamaican man replied without hesitating, "One, boss man."

The boss said, "Just one? That can't work! Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! ...How much was the sale for?"

The Jamaican said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

The Jamaican said, "Well, fus me sell 'im a likkle fish hook.
Then me sell 'im him a medium size fish hook. Then me sell 'im a bigga fish hook.
Then me sell 'im one a di bran' new Hartsford fishin' rod.
Then mi aks him weh 'im gwen go fish an 'im seh, "down de coast, so me realize dat 'im gwen need a boat.
Soh me took 'im down a di boating department an me sell 'im one a de twin-engine Chris Craft. Then 'im seh 'im noh tink 'im likkle Honda Civic would strang enuf fe pull it.
Soh me took 'im down a de automotive department an sell 'im one a de 4x4 Chevy Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy
a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No Bossman", replied the Jamaican, "'im come een ya fu buy a box of tampons for 'im wife an mi tell 'im,
'Well, since yu weekend mash-up, yu might as well go fishin'!!!"

NOTES FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY


1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS
THE CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.

23 . OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE
OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG
LANE.

27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE
FILM.

29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET
ENGINES.

32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING
WHAT HAPPENED!

37. JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL
FALL OFF.

38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME
PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK

Numbers 36 and 37 are true for me.

A redneck taped toilet paper to his television.

He said, "Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!"

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!)

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at
the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.'," asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now Several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer
ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I
was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear
ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at
me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what would you say?"

A mother and her five-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer appropriate for a five-year-old told her son to ask the stewardess. So the little boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess smiled and asked, "Did your mommy tell you to ask me that?"
"Uh -huh, she did," said the little boy sweetly.
"Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mommy explain that to you."