AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Balderdash

Just minutes before the church services started the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
> > > >
> > > > As he settled in he glanced up and saw the
> > > >
> > > > most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
> > > >
> > > > soon realized that she was heading straight
> > > >
> > > > towards his seat. As fate would have it, she
> > > >
> > > > took the seat right beside his.
> > > >
> > > > Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out
> > > >
> > > > "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled
> > > >
> > > > and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual
> > > >
> > > > Nymphomaniacs of America Convention"
> > > >
> > > > He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous
> > > >
> > > > woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and
> > > >
> > > > she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
> > > >
> > > > Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
> > > >
> > > > asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"
> > > >
> > > > "Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer
> > > >
> > > > where I use information that I have learned from
> > > >
> > > > my own personal experiences to debunk some
> > > >
> > > > of the popular myths about sexuality."
> > > >
> > > > "Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are
> > > >
> > > > there?"
> > > >
> > > > "Well , she explained, "one popular myth is that
> > > >
> > > > African-American men are the most well-endowed
> > > >
> > > > of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
> > > >
> > > > Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
> > > >
> > > > Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the
> > > >
> > > > best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish
> > > >
> > > > descent that are the best. I have also discovered
> > > >
> > > > that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is
> > > >
> > > > the Southern Redneck."
> > > >
> > > > Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable
> > > >
> > > > and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really
> > > >
> > > > be discussing all this with you, since I don't even
> > > >
> > > > know your name."
> > > >
> > > > "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my
> > > >
> > > > friends call me Bubba."
> > >

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she l! ooked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said; "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought, "That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said; "New house, new madam, new hookers."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said; "Hi Keith."

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

There was a man who traveled all around the world.
Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her.
On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different
languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.
"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."
"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat!
It spoke thirty languages!"
The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"

A big-shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

Pedro is driving down the street in a sweat because he has an important meeting and can't find a parking place.
Looking toward heaven, he says, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life.
I'll help Maria cook all the meals. I'll give our children their baths and start putting them to bed myself. I'll do all the washing and
ironing..... and I'll even give up tequila!"

Almost instantly, a parking place appears.
Pedro looks up again.
"Never mind," he says, "I found one."
:p

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

Hahahahaa!!!!