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OMG Jesse, that is so funny. I loved Noah and the swatting of those two mosquitos...along with a bunch of others...

This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. Something to do with the black stockings maybe. Anyhow, he knows that if you don't ask you don't get, so he turns to her and says: "Sister, will you have sex with me?"

"Oh no," she says, shocked, "I can't possibly do that. I'm married to God."

Well, he's disappointed, but he sees her point, so he thinks that's that. But when he gets off the bus, the bus driver stops him - "Hey," he whispers, "I know how you can get to have sex with her!" "You do?" the guy says, "quick, tell me!"

"Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray, and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard, tell her you're God, and she'll have sex with you!"

Well, he's skeptical, but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery. Sure enough, the nun comes in and begins to pray. "I am God," the man declares, keeping his hood low about his face, "and you must have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. Well, he's pretty desperate too, so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries, "Guess what?, I'm not God, I'm the man in the bus!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun, "Guess what? I'm the bus driver!

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden agreed.

The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit
Lions. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He
had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and
European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could
ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene
in northern Iraq. In one corner of the background, he spotted
a young Assyrian Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards
away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and
then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself." He has
the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him
the great game of football...and sure enough the Lions go on
to win the Super Bowl. The young Assyrian is hailed as a hero
of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all
the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says.
"You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've
just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment
there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of
rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their
lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so
she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, " I will never for-
give you for making us move to Detroit!"

WE NEED MORE GRANDMOTHERS IN COURT!!!

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.......

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand ... a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said: "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

The Canada Transport Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in all the vehicles in an effort to determine, in fatal accident the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in almost all areas of Canada the last words of 61.2 % of fatal crashes were"Oh [#%!]".

Only in Saskatchewan was it different, where 89.3% of the final words were "Hold my beer and watch this!"

HUSBAND WANTED
A lonely spinster, age 70, decided it was time to get married. She put an ad in the paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED
MUST BE MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. She opened the door and, much to her dismay, saw a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you .... you have no legs." The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands, either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by One of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned... and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... a true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

OMG....what a hoot that one is