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On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.
A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling
frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 22-foot shark. As the
Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing
Toronto Maple Leaf jerseys aboard. One quickly fired the harpoon into
the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding,
semiconscious Habs fan from the water. Then using baseball bats, the
three heroes in blue and white beat the shark to death and hauled it into
the boat, too.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them, "I heard that there
was some bitter hatred between Leaf and Habs fans, but now I have seen
with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has
access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but
he doesn't know much about shark fishing..... How's the bait holding up?"

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"
The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

Oh Lordy Lordy......

HER DIARY

Friday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and, to my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation, but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster!

HIS DIARY

Played a horrible game of golf today!
Shot a 90 - can't putt for shit.
Got laid though.

4 STAGES OF SANTA CLAUS

1. YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA
2. YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN SANTA
3. YOU ARE SANTA
4. YOU LOOK LIKE SANTA

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets
and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize
the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't
perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set
of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell
from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could
sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very
fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning
John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing
the roosters coming , would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in
his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the
county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the
judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the
"No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as
well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who
else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the
most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the
best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention?

Good one. :rolleyes:

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the
bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat,
which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can
buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always
shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives,
and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching
plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the
bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions,
but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in
that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty
space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum
physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles
come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know
when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might
suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But
couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every
Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might
say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely
is THAT to happen?"

What dating was like in 1957??

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's
mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready
to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom!
It's the Twist! It's called The Twist!"

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, GOD asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

GOD said that HE was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

GOD said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!"

GOD continued, "She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked GOD, "What will a woman like this cost?"

GOD replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................