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law, last post was well written with impeccable spelling and grammar but i have to say to the content; "groan!"

the other, and gay's; ok, i admit it - i laughed out loud. thanks girls! keep 'em coming!

Hi SJ!
Well, good to know the spell check worked out!
And hey, sometimes ya just need a good groan!

Happy weekend to you - kids and all! We'll have a glass or six in your honor!

Oh my those 93 year olds! I LOL on that one!

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro
Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history."
"Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top
of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone threw an eraser at Pedro and someone else shouted, "Duck"!

The teacher, just waking, asked, "Who said that?"

Pedro: "Dick Cheney, 2006!"

Why Women Over 40 Are Wonderful

by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes"

"As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a
few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What
are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40
doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She
does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more
interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what
she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a
hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at
the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you
deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get
away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's
like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women
friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend
because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't
care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends
won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a
woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of
younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far
sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's
not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+,
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with
some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for
free", here's an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a
little sausage"

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin' me!" came
from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our
Country. Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River
with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to
keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal
Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back
and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw
Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find
Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the
Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and
totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They
trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know,
was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all
who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington
and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need
warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said,
"Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you
warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, " Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!"

Very good - thanks - I needed a laugh today.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh#t..."

Ha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha! Good one Law!