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Excerpts from a Dog's Diary



6:00am- At last! I go pee! My favorite thing!



8:00am- Dog Food! My favorite thing!



9:30am- A car ride! My favorite thing!



9:40am- A walk in the park! My favorite thing!



10:30am- Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!



12:00pm- Lunch! My favorite thing!



1:00pm- Played in the yard! My favorite thing!



3:00pm- Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!



5:00pm- Milk Bones! My favorite thing!



7:00pm- Got to play ball! My favorite thing!



8:00pm- Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!



11:00pm- Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary



Day 983 of captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and
I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, i nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up
my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.



Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.



I had hoped that it would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrated what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!



There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in
solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the
noises and smell the food. I overheard that ,y confinement was due to the power
of my allergies. I must learn what this menu is and how to use it to my
advantage.



The dog receives special treatment and is let outside only to return when he is
called. He must be retarded.

HA HA! Love it!

A Florida couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about
an African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight
stretches the penis to 24 inches.



Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said,

"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.



A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.

OMG!! Remind me not to have soda in my mouth when readin!!!

THE RED INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and
whose given name was Onestone.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him
Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked

and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and
said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the
forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird
died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised
he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given
name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village
after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed
when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night,
made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next
night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


What is the moral of this story?????...........................


Take a guess...!


Think about it...


(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is..




You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!!!!!!!

Archie & Harry


Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of beers.


The passenger, Harry, suddenly said, "Lord tundering
jaisus...up ahead it's a police roadblock!!

We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' dese here beers!!"

Don't worry," Archie said. "We'll just pull over and finish
dese beers,

then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and trow
the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?"

"Jist let me do de talkin', OK?"

So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
and put a label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long
look at the two of them and said,

"You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," said Archie, pointing at the labels.

"We're on the patch."

_These are genuine excerpts from British council flat tenants_ _complaining to the council about problems with their flats._


My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He´s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can´t take it anymore.

It´s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous,

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can´t get BBC2.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Su ddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

lol! Thanks for the laugh!

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form
that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of
them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office
without even telling her about my folding bucket.