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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: tacogirl] #250493
09/22/07 06:47 PM
09/22/07 06:47 PM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 88
Florida
C
carl 60 Offline
.
carl 60  Offline
C
Blarney went to his doctor accompanied by his son to find out his test results.
The doctor said Blarney me lad I have bad news you only have 6 weeks to live.
His son was in shock but Blarney says to him I've led a long and happy life lets go to the pub and have a pint to celebrate my life.
well it wasn't long before word got out that Blarney was dying and one friend walked up and says Blarney me lad sorry to here your not long for this world,Aye says Blarney and the friend
says what have you got lad.
Blarney replies Aids and the friend walks away,his son says dad why did you tell him you were dying from aids?
Blarney replies I'll not want my friends to come visiting your mother after I'm gone

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: ] #250504
09/23/07 04:37 AM
09/23/07 04:37 AM
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 316
TAMPA, FL.
Chachacoconut Offline
.
Chachacoconut  Offline
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of

the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.




Only in America ......do people order

double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.





Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.





Only in America ......do we leave cars

worth thousands of dollars in the

driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.




Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.




Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.




Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.




EVER WONDER ....




Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?




Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?




Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?




Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?




Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?




Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?




Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?




Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?




Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? < /B>




Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?





Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?





You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!




Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? < BR>



Why are they called apartments when

they are all stuck together?




If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?




If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal?


shocked


Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love Truly, Laugh uncontrollably.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Chachacoconut] #250508
09/23/07 07:31 AM
09/23/07 07:31 AM
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 316
TAMPA, FL.
Chachacoconut Offline
.
Chachacoconut  Offline
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says, "Hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." blush


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
cry


Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love Truly, Laugh uncontrollably.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Chachacoconut] #250523
09/23/07 11:29 AM
09/23/07 11:29 AM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 3,955
Frigin Cold Columbus, Ohio
Otteralum Offline
.
Otteralum  Offline
lol!!!!! now, that's good!


I will have a Belikin -- put it on klcman's tab.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Chachacoconut] #250527
09/23/07 01:49 PM
09/23/07 01:49 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 4,701
Pismo Beach
Rykat Offline
.
Rykat  Offline
laugh laugh laugh


GOP - The Party of Lincoln.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Rykat] #250565
09/24/07 07:43 AM
09/24/07 07:43 AM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 11,052
Rockport, Maine
klcman Offline
.
klcman  Offline
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..…..soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?” He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'” “Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER .


_ _ _ _ _ _ _________________ _ _ _ _ _ _
But then what do I know, I am but a mere caveman
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: klcman] #250618
09/24/07 03:38 PM
09/24/07 03:38 PM
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 316
TAMPA, FL.
Chachacoconut Offline
.
Chachacoconut  Offline
Does It Hurt When I Do This?
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love Truly, Laugh uncontrollably.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Chachacoconut] #250688
09/25/07 10:55 AM
09/25/07 10:55 AM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 2,041
Kansas City MO
KC Jayhawk Offline
.
KC Jayhawk  Offline
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.


When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: KC Jayhawk] #250728
09/25/07 01:04 PM
09/25/07 01:04 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 993
S.C.U.S.A
Bill Mc Ghee Offline
.
Bill Mc Ghee  Offline
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's
good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat' After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.

'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.


Never Use money to measure wealth
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Bill Mc Ghee] #250734
09/25/07 01:54 PM
09/25/07 01:54 PM
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,781
California
Leah-Ann Offline
.
Leah-Ann  Offline
boy, there's a lot of fainting going on around here today! laugh


I can never remember which is better . . . safe? . . . or sorry?
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