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Three men reach the Pearly Gates and St. Peter greets the men. Based on how faithful they were to their partner, St. Peter grants them a vehicle to drive around heaven.

St. Peter asks the first man, "How faithful were you to your wife?" and the man responds "I was married to her for 5 years and I cheated on her twice." St. Peter looked stunned, but still gave him a set of keys. The keys belonged to an old Buick.

St. Peter asks the second man, "How faithful were you to your wife?" and the man replied, "I was married to her for 15 years and only cheated once." Although St. Peter was disappointed, he did much better than the first man. St. Peter handed him keys to a new Cadillac.

St. Peter asks the third man, "How faithful were you to your wife?" and the man replied, "I was married to her for 50 years and never cheated on my wife at all." St. Peter had a huge smile on his face and handed him the keys to a Rolls Royce.

The three men drive up to an intersection and the two men in the Buick and Cadillac are laughing hysterically. The man in the Rolls Royce asks the the two men what was so funny, and the other two replied, "We just saw your wife driving down the street in a moped.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room'!

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? [only eternity]





9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

For some reason, the fact that CBT got the number of BANGs correct for a Glock Model 22 40.cal will make me give added consideration to his future postings....

Maybe its just me, but the details do matter

33rd hi cap 9mm/40 cal magazine for glock kel-tec

Do tell on details.. you never really DO know Pug on what someone else has under their shirt.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.



I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.



An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over K-Mart.
'K-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why K-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.



These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'



THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Which of the Marx brothers was it who, when asked in his dotage what it felt like to be so old, replied that it was better than the alternative?

Who said, When I wake up in the morning it's a good day!

George Burns ?

All I know is that for me it's a good day when I wake up in the morning and all the voices in my head are working together as a team!