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Yes, some people grow up and some only grow old.

� A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM


Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

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MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

__________________ ______________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

________________ _______________

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

_______________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition

teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

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SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little snot) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blowjobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month, he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true, no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked..


The husband replied,
'If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.'

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said " last friday at the
end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather
coat . I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice , black
stockings and stiletto heels . He was so aroused that we made passionate
love on his desk right then and there !"
The enguaged woman giggled and said "That's
pretty much my story , when my fianc'e got home last friday, he found me
waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice , black hose and stiletto
pumps . He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night , he
wants to move up are wedding date !"
The married woman put her glass down and said " I did a lot of planning .
I made arangements for the kids to stay over at grandmas . I took a long
scented bath and put on my best perfume ,I slipped into a tight leather
bodice , black garter belt , black stockings and six inch stilettos . I
finished it off with a black mask . When my husband got home from work ,
he grabbed a beer and the remote , sat down and yelled, Hey , batman ,
what's for dinner?"

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, the insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?

''That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.

It's nice to see a blonde winning once in a while.

This was really GREAT! Thaks

Irish Forgetfulness

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head
to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see
you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably
won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the
freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again
and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying
to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was
chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
You've got $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we have the technology now to build you
a new willy that will work as well as your old one did
better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come
cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor
says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you
want. But it's something you'd better discuss with
your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and
you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put
out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide
only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be
disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in
helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor
comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor,
'have you spoken with your wife?'
I have,' says the man.
And has she helped you in making the
decision?'
Yes, she has,' says the man.
And what is it?' asks the doctor.
We're getting new countertops.

Denny's is offering a new breakfast in honor of Nadya Suleman, the mother of the octuplets.



You get 8 eggs, no sausage, and the guy at the table next to you has to pay the bill.