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Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest!

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said,
' Would you like to know what the painting is really about? '

' Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? ' asked the couple.
' Because I'm the guy who painted it, he replied. In fact, there
are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

Ole lived across the Minnesota River from Clarence Bunsen, whom he didn't like at all. They were yelling across the river at each other all the time.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!" This went on for years. Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena , says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?"

Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat!" Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came back home.

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, " Lena , I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen I yell at him from across the river he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 In."

A large chess tournament was held in New York City.

The matches were held in a conference room in a hotel.

The chess buffs arrived early each day. They would gather in the entry way and talk with fellow chess fans.

Mostly, they would talk about how well they played the previous day. Or they would try to intimidate their opponents by mentioning secret moves.

A few days into the tournament, the hotel manager shooed all of the chess players away.

He said he had had enough of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Something I just read

You're reading the same guy who once premiered my buddy Sully's "Twelve Percent Theory" in this same space: that every childbirth makes a woman 12 percent less sane until the kids can fully function on their own. So if you have two kids, you're batting at about 76 percent sane.

Anyone married with two young children can back me up: You don't mess with your wife, in any way, shape or form, during the 12 months after that second kid is born. Her hormones have gone haywire. She isn't sleeping enough. She's dealing with the new baby, the suddenly wounded ego of the first kid who doesn't feel special anymore, and whether she can handle two kids at all. She's trying to lose the weight from Baby No. 2, but she doesn't have enough time to work out yet. So she hates herself and hates you for doing this to her.

You aren't walking on eggshells around your wife during this stretch; you're walking on razor blades. Every comment has to be carefully considered before being spoken. For instance, here's a typical exchange with a mother of two young kids who has a baby 10 months or younger:

Husband: "You look really nice today."
Wife: "Why today? Why did you have to say today?"
Husband: "I just meant ..."
Wife: "So I don't look nice on any other day?"

That's the Twelve Percent Theory in action. Again, you can't anger your wife during this time under any circumstances.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/091211

Prince Phillip strikes again!
With news that the Duke of Edinburgh mocked the fashion sense of a blind cadet, here below we list the bungling royal's top ten foot-in-mouth episodes.
1. "You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly".
Comments to a Briton the Prince met in Hungary in 1993.
2. "Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed."
Phil gets to the heart of the matter when discussing the 1981 recession.
3. "You are a woman, aren't you?" Philip to a Kenyan dancer during a State visit.
4. "Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut."
A 13-year-old boy's life-long dreams of space exploration are dashed
5. "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test."
The Duke quizzes a Scottish driving instructor.
6. It looks as though it was put in by an Indian."
The Prince gives his verdict on a less-than-sophisticated fuse box spotted during a tour of an electronics firm.
7. Speaking to British exchange students during a 1996 tour of Beijing: "If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed."
8. "You look as if you're ready for the bed."
Philip's greeting for the Nigerian secretary-general of the Commonwealth, who has dressed up in his ceremonial robes for a state dinner.
9. It's a pleasure to be in a country that isn't ruled by its people."
The Prince meets the then Paraguayan dictator General Stroessner:
10. "Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf."
Phil dishes out some sound advice to a group from the British Deaf Association who were standing near a band.

SERENITY


Just before the funeral services,

the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?





Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.



I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind,

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia ..

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.






















I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

So I got my doctor's permission to

Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour..

But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.





My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.





Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.





It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.







These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,

"For fast relief"



THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference..



Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!



Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,



You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

Sketchy Santas! Be careful whose lap you crawl into!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/17/sketchy-santas-9-men-whos_n_394344.html

http://www.sketchysantas.com/

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me"
"Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!"