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Someone needs to get a life.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

The contraction is ZZZ'Z

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.


The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.


When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.


No one speaks.


The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.


The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.


Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.


George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

Roping a Deer

Author unknown - probably for good reason

Actual letter from someone who is a rancher in Idaho, writes well and tried this:

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up

-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt.. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw backslowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal --like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

All these events are true so help me God...

An Educated Rancher

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...

ATTORNEY:
Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:
No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY:
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY:
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:
I forget.
ATTORNEY:
You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY:
Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:
We both do.
ATTORNEY:
Voodoo?
WITNESS:
We do.
ATTORNEY:
You do?
WITNESS:
Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS:
Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY:
The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:
He's twenty, much like your IQ.


ATTORNEY:
Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:
Are you shitting me?


ATTORNEY:
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY:
And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:
Getting laid


ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY:
How many were boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY:
Were there any girls?
WITNESS:
Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY:
How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:
By death.
ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:
Take a guess.


ATTORNEY:
Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:
He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:
Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:
Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


ATTORNEY:
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:
All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:
Oral.


ATTORNEY:
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:
The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:
And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:
If not, he was by the time I finished.


ATTORNEY:
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:
Are you qualified to ask that question?


ATTORNEY:
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY:
Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY:
Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY:
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:
No ..
ATTORNEY:
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:
I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

VT: Your story reminded me about the time my brother-in-law and I tracked a wounded buck into a game refuge in the dark. Since it was a refuge, we went without guns. We finally found it lying in tall grass watching us. All we had was a hunting knife, so we came up with a plan to sneak around behind it and I was going to jump on it's back and hold it down while my brother-in-law cut it's throat. The rancher is right, they are really quick and very strong! It junped up while I was diving along it's back trying to grab it buy it's antlers. Our only salvation was, I was big enough and strong enough to hold it's head down with the one antler that I managed to hang onto, so I kept it from goreing me or striking me with its front legs. The two of us managed to knock it off of it's feet and finish it off after a brief struggle. Not a practice I would recomend to other hunters.

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.'

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

Do you know why you can't make anything idiot proof ? Because idiots are so damn clever......


I just used a gun, the COP's tried to tell me that folks would rather see a dying deer from road damage over me just:: EYEBALLS, CLICK SIR!!
Until the second bigger deer chased the cop !! What a Maroon, City boys..

Please Understand , I live Rural , Bears , Mountain Lions, Elk plus. The Trophy hunters I AM NOT, (rater have a few pot shots at them).
Most on this Dream Forum couldn't live the way we do.
A gun is a tool, as an Axe ..
You dive ? spear gun / shark 12 gauge deterrent.. Same.

Just since i was responded to.

Up here in the Bush , your in good hands when a local helps.

VT

Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon-so they
go back to Paul's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together..
In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mum if
Paul and Mary are up yet.
She replies - No.
Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mum replies- I don't want to hear what you think !
Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
She replies- No.
Johnny says- Do you know what I think ?
His mum replies- Never mind what you think !
Eat your lunch and go back to school ...
After school - Johnny comes home and asks again -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
His mum says- No.
He asks-Do you know what I think ?
His mum replies- Ok- now tell me what you think
He says- Last night Paul came to my room for
the Vaseline and I think.
I gave him my air plane glue.