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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.


One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.


'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.
My husband's home early!'


'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'


So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.


Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side.
'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope...just when it's raining.'

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels." (read it again)


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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "

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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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On a Church's billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

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And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey
Ferguson. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the heck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately
in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy
to a tractor".

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 70th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender .

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

VT; love the Scotch Lady,,LOL....You know you are getting old: when you sneeze and are more concerned about a little pee than a little snot....

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better. The End

champion, that is so true, especially when the orginal source of the stink was so bad.

A Canadian Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that because he was wearing his seat belt he had just won $5,000 the Province safety competition. What are you going to do with the money?' asked the policeman. 'Well, I goin get a driver's license,' he answered. 'Oh, don't listen to him,' yelled the Trini woman in the passenger's seat... 'He's a smart ass when he drunk.' This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, 'I knew we was not gonna get far in dis thief-in car.' At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice said, in patois, 'Yow!, I man mek it crass di barder yet? The Canadian Highway Patrolman smiled, and handed the $5,000 check to the driver. I always loved the island talk, but I could never understand it. Have a nice day.'"

some seriously funny and cool commercials here:

20 Best Airline Commercials EVER (VIDEO)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/16/19-best-airline-commercia_n_718250.html

Back in flying's heyday, everything from the flight to the commercials for the flight looked better. The commercials were sometimes cheesy (check out the videos from the 1980s) and sometimes endearing.

Now, since flying has become such a hassle, airlines are rejiggering their formulas and providing funny and even deliberately-over-the-top commercials to engage audiences and make them want to fly again.

We trolled through hundreds of commercials and found some of the best. The most ridiculous (check out Australian Airlines' ad or even the famously risqué Avianova commercial), most endearing, funniest (hello, Virgin Atlantic!) commercials are in our roundup.


here's one:

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'