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News Flash

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

One Sunday in a Midwest City ,
a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew
but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up
and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,
the little one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,
and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side,
getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks,
a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient
is doing?"

The operatorsaid,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number
of the patient?"

The grandmother in her
weak, tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with
the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operatorreturned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is
doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and
her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged
tomorrow."

The grandmothersaid,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
news."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,
"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

TRUE STORY

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.


Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*




Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short.
Whoo-hoo!

Men have better friends


Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi", then realizes he should not stop the coyote as it is only doing what's natural
.2. He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the
state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian.The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for disease.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for disease
from the coyote and for getting his bite wound bandaged.5. The running trail is shut down for 6 months, while Fish & Game conducts their $100,000 survey tomake sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor next spends $50,000 in state funds, implementing a"Coyote Awareness" program for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease, throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not somehow stopping the attack and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
9. Additional cost to State of California : $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with
additional special training re: The Nature of Coyotes.10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the state.

Arizona
The Governor of Arizona is jogging, with her dog, along a nature trail.A coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her state-issued pistol and keeps jogging.The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow-point cartridge.2. Arizona buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke.