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piece of cake.......... I am not average in any respect

cry your heart out, E!

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota
> asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
>
> Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the
> old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the
> winter was going to be like.
>
> Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
> was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
> collect firewood to be prepared.
>
> But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He
> went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
> 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
>
> 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the
> meteorologist at the weather service responded.
>
> So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
> firewood in order to be prepared.
>
> A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it
> still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
>
> 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going
> to be a very cold winter.'
>
> The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
> every scrap of firewood they could find.
>
> Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
> 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
>
> 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is
> going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
> 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
>
>
> The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of
> firewood'

The Divorced Barbie Doll



One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'



The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.



The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'



The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes,

sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

George Carlin's Views on Aging:

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less
than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half.. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the>greatest day of your life ... . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony: YOU BECOME 21.YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk!
He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.

Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!
You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ;you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards:
'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
'I'm 100 and a half!'

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG:
1.Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'
2..Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more a bout the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALI VE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,
whatever. Your home is your refuge .
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

It was the coldest winter ever. - Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.



Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.




Personally, I think a better moral of the story would be � LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE!

Remember , It's a joke thread ,plus if Sprite got by ~~~:)VT

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.

1st kid says "A computer".

Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says "A car" and gets a similar answer.

Johnny says " At my house we don't need nothin."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Johnny replies, "no I'm sure."

"When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying "Well that's all we fvcking need."

On holidays at the Games in Delhi India, I saw a sign that said :

"English speaking Taxi driver".



I thought, what a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?

Marriage is like a deck of cards....................

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end..............you'll wish you had a f***** club and a spade.....

A flood came to a river valley. A pious preacher sat in his house as the waters rose. He prayed to God over and over to save him.
A boat came by with rescue workers who said "Come with us now!" He said - "No, oh you of little faith can you not see that I am praying - I am praying and the Lord will rescue me!".

The waters went up and up. The man was in the second floor of his house. Another boat came by and said urgently - "Come with us NOW". He replied, "No, I am praying and the Lord will rescue me."

The waters went up and up. The man had to go on his roof. A helicopter flew to his house and sent down a rope for him so they could bring him up. The man said "No, I am praying and the Lord will rescue me!!".

The man died. He went to Heaven and saw God. The man was a little angry with God. He said to God - "Lord, I started churches, I was loyal to the teachings of the Bible, I did not drink or curse, I have prayed every day of my life ....... WHY did you NOT rescue me?!"

God replied - "You fool, I sent you TWO BOATS and a HELICOPTER!".

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


And


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.