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A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
Cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
Hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
Say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
To be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
Make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

A FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Older Women Are So Reasonable

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "FORTY-FOUR YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 69-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'






The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'





So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.






The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'



So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Shiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink???"

> A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him
> he hears:
>
> BUMP...
>
> BUMP...
>
> BUMP...
>
> Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of
> an
> upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
>
> BUMP...
>
> BUMP...
>
> BUMP...
>
> Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
> quickly behind him.
>
> FASTER...
>
> FASTER...
>
> BUMP...
>
> BUMP...
>
> BUMP.....
>
> He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
> slams
> and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door,
> with the lid of the casket clapping.
>
> clappity-BUMP...
>
> clappity-BUMP...
>
> clappity-BUMP...
>
> On his heels, as the terrified man runs.
>
> Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is
> pounding;
> his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
>
> With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
>
> Bumping and clapping toward him.
>
> The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is
> a
> bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
>
> and . . .
>
>
> (Scroll down)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> . . . the coffin stops.
>

�����The madame opened the brothel door in Elko
County, Nevada, and saw a rather� dignified, well-dressed,
good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
���
��� �'May I help you sir?' she asked.

�����'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
���
��� �'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
��� 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
����
������Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the
man she charged�$10,000 a visit.
���
��� � Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten
thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs.� After an hour, he� calmly left.
���
��� � The next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Valerie.� Valerie explained that no one
had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so
very expensive.� There were no discounts and the price
was still $10,000.
���
��� � The gentleman did not blink an eye.� Again, he
pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs...After an hour, he left.
���
��� � The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded� that he had come for a third
consecutive night, maybe a record in the� history of
brothels in Nevada , which date back into the early
1800's.� But�without hesitation, he paid Valerie the ten
grand and off they went upstairs.
���
��� � After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one
has ever been with� me three nights in a row. Where are
you from?'
������The man replied, 'Billings, Montana.'
����
������'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings.'
������'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but
your sister died, and I am her attorney.� She asked me to
give you your $30,000 inheritance.'
���
��� � �The moral of the story is that three things in life are
certain:
��� � � �1. Death
��� � � �2. Taxes
��� � � �3. Being screwed by a lawyer

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair
reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No
thanks,my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?' Bush
replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse
smells like.'

Sister Mary Katherine decided to enter a convent with a code of silence.

When she arrived, the Mother Superior explained to her, "Sister, this is a silent convent. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Mother Superior said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said the Mother Superior, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was again summoned by the Mother Superior. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Mother Superior assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Mother Superior again called Sister Mary Katherine into her office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Mother Superior. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and ...runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything...

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.