AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Smiles for the day

From The Manitoba Herald by Clive Runnels
Canadians: "Build a Damn Fence!"

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party
are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll
soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and
Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing
their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and
there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba
farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The
producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.
He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.
When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to
show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers
that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and
Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and
drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for
themselves.." A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload
without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a
nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education
camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch
NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the
border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip
to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen
young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior
citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they
were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on
The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age"
an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael
Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the
Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident said..
"How many art-history majors does one country need?"

deja vu?

Marty must not read too many jokes.

It's a joke?

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?


Here is a little test that will help you decide.



The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities,
raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?




THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:



Democrat's Answer:

* Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
* What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
* Does the man look poor or oppressed?
* Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
* Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
* Could we run away?
* What does my wife think?
* What about the kids?
* Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
* What does the law say about this situation?
* Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
* Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
* Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
* Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
* If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
* Should I call 9-1-1?
* Why is this street so deserted?
* We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
* Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
* I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
* This is all so confusing!


............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ..

Republican's Answer:

BANG!



............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......


Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and
prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

The Defective Parrot �
�

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.� I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.�� 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?'� the guy asks.�� 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.��
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.�� I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.�� You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is� sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a� package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy� demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'��


If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

The parrots name ?

Stephen Squawking!

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging Out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
Missing a beat, blurts out.... "Holy sh!t! My girlfriend's gone, too!!