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You get toast with cat hair on BOTH sides!

One Monday morning the Mailman is walking through the
neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes, he noticed that both cars
were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out
with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow, Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last
night,' the Mailman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday
night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 PM Sunday.

We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for
some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight
that we started playing " WHO AM I?"

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a
time with a sheet covering us, with only our family jewels showing through a
hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The Mailman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I
missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name
came up 7 times.

Tool Descriptions
DRILL PRESS:A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, Oh Shit!



SKIL SAW:A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Fingers and thumbs often see the sharp side of this tool!

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOLA personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling SON-OF-A-BITCH! at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

TOO FUNNY.
The daughter of a friend of mine brought her doll with a broken arm into her fathers work shop and asked him to fix it.
He said "Sorry honey I just don't have the right tool to fix this."
The little girl said "Why not put it in the Damn It?
"What? said the father?
"The damn it" she repeated.
"Show me," said the father.
Where upon the girl walked over to the vice and said "When you put things in here you always say Damn It."

The English language is amazing.

Isn't this weird?!!!!

� � � � A. �Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward
still spells "race car"?

� � � �B. �Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take
the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense
"ate"?

� � � � C. �And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in
"illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out:
"Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent,
drug trafficking, American flag hating, non-English speaking assholes
and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making,
goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?

Isn't that weird???

International Security Alerts

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They do not have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". A recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability, precipitated the rise.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Because of continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

i just stumbled onto this forum, GREAT! one of my favs....

elderly couple driving along, when in the rearview mirror the lights were flashing. the coger rolled the window down as the officer approached. they exchanged greetings and the officer asked if the driver knew why he had stopped them. the wife then, in a loud voice asked' whad he say? ' her husband told her in a loud voice, ' hes going to tell why he stopped us. ' she responded 'ok '. the officer said, 'you have a taillight out'. she asked again 'whad he say?'. her husband, he said 'we have a taillight out'. she again, ok. the officer asked, 'where you folks from? ' husband replies, 'goshen.' she again, 'whad he say?' husband replies ' he wanted to know where we are from.' ok again. the officer lowers his voice knowing the woman cant understand him and says' i got the wost piece of azz of my life in goshen', again she says 'whad he say? ' husband,'he says he thinks he knows ya.'

A drunk man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.

I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug
abuse on the human body.

The policeman asks, Really? And who's going to give a lecture at this time
of night?

My wife.

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

a man starts having trouble with his dooder so he takes it to the doctor. the doctor takes a look and says the only answer is amputation. the man is stuned. as he is driving home it occurrs to him it must be a mistake, he will get a second opinion. the next doctor tells him the same. he goes home and a friend of his stops by. he tells his friend whats happened. his freind recommends seeing an asian doctor, after all asian medicine is centuries older than western medicine. he goes. the asian doctor says, i bet american doctors are saying amputation is called for.
not true, the man big sigh of relief. the doctor continues, in a couple weeks it will fall off on its own.