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Champion....Really clever fun stuff...Thank you!

AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Bur berry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment ; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ...45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex


Who cares if its true....it funny either way!

A priest is riding his bicycle down a country lane, when a car overtakes him and carries on round the next bend. The driver of the car goes round a blind bend and feels a bump, wondering what's happened he stops the car and gets out to see what happened. He soon realizes he has hit and killed a rabbit, the man is an animal lover and this upsets him so he decides he better bury the rabbit at the side of the road. Just as he is about to place the rabbit in the hole he has dug the priest arrives on his bike and seeing the distressed man he stops.

"what is the matter my son?"


"I came around the corner and this rabbit ran out in front of me and I ran over it, I feel awful, I wish there was something that could be done. Could you pray over it before I bury it?"


"I may be able to do more than that my son."

The priest reaches into his knapsack and pulls out a small vile of liquid, he splashes some over the rabbit while muttering some words that the man presumes is a prayer.

"Now my son just wait a moment."

After a few moments the rabbit begins to twitch, and then miraculously it opens its eyes, stretches its legs and gets up and hops off into the next field where it turns round and waves at the man and priest. It then jumps into 2 or 3 more fields always stopping to wave.

"My god! It's a miracle, what was the liquid Father? Was it holy water?"

"No my son, It was hair restorer with permanent wave..."

Thats really awful!

Yah, but I'm sure you chuckled Jesse....

Mary is the proprietor of a bar in Dublin . She realizes that
virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such,
can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she
comes up with new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink
now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger
(thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Mary's "drink now, pay later" marketing
strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into
Mary's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in
Dublin .

By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands,
Mary gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially
increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Mary's gross sales volume increases massively. A young
and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these
customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Mary's
borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has
the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to
make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into
DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled
and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't
really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA
secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.
Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities
soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading
brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk
manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to
demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Mary's bar. He
so informs Mary.

Mary then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being
unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.
Since, Mary cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into
bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%.
The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and
prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic
activity in the community.

The suppliers of Mary's bar had granted her generous payment
extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various
BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off
her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the
bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on
a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer
supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the
local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their
respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion
euro no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in
Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new
taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never
been in Marys's bar.

Now, do you understand economics in 2010?

Real funny!.....

Today the world was stunned by the newa of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was 6 years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinky" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny"s batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming..

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention, standby passengers! We now have a seat available on flight number..."

Harriette, Toooo funny.....Great idea....it took me a minute to get a mouthful of Coke light off my computer screen, but worth it....LOL!