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a woman brought a very limp duck to the vet. as she laid her pet on the table the vet took out his stethoscope and listened to the birds chest.

after a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,"i'm sorry, your duck, cuddles, has passed away."

the distressed woman wailed,"are you sure?" "yes, im sure, your duck is dead." replied the vet...

"how can you be so sure?" she protested. " i mean, you havent done any testing on him or anything, he might just be in a coma or something."

the vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. he returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. as the ducks owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the exam table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. he then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

the vet patted the dog on the head and took him out of the room. a few minutes later he returned with a cat. the cat jumped onto the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. the cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

the vet looked at the woman and said " im sorry, but as i said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman...

the ducks owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150 dollars to tell me my duck is dead?"

the vet shrugged, "im sorry. if you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, its now $150."

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

a man asked a waiter to take abottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.....

so the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "this is from the gentleman sitting over there." ....and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

she stared at the wine cooly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by note.

the waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

the note read "for me to accept this bottle, you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7" in your pants".

after reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return... he folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

it read:

"just to let you know things are not always as they appear to be,i have a ferrari maranello, bmw z8, mercedes cl600, and a porsche turbo in my several garages; i have beautiful homes in aspen and miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in louisana.. there is over $20 million in my bank acct and portfolio. but, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would i cut off three inches.......just send the wine back.

inner peace

i'm passing this on to you because this definitly worked for me
and we could all use more calm in our lives.

a doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish
all the things you've started and, by following his simple advice, i have finally found inner peace.

i started looking around the house to find things i'd started but not finished and before i left the house this morning i finished off a bottle of merlot, a bottle of shhhhhardonnay,
a bottle of vodka, a pock of prungles, the remainder of a bottl
of prozack and valum sscription, cheeeesecak ana box of choclits.

yu av no ideer ow gud i feal. pleez sendis on to dose you feal
ar in ned ov innr peas.

Baptizing a drunk


a man is stumbling thru the woods totally drunk when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. the
drunk walks into the water and subsquently bumps into
the preacher. the preacher turns around and is almost
overcome by the smell of booze. whereupon he asks the
drunk, " Are you ready to find Jesus? "

" Yes i am " replies the drunk so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. he pulls him up and asks the drunk,
" Brother, have you found Jesus?".

the drunk replies, "No i havent." the preacher, shocked at
the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit
longer this time. he pulls him out of the water and
asks again, " Have you found Jesus, my brother?".

the drunk again answers "No, i have not found Jesus." by this
time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk
in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about
30 seconds.

when the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher
pulls him up. the preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

the drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to
the preacher,

" ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE HE FELL IN? "

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

How Do You Define Handsome?




A test at an Durham City High school in North Carolina, required students to use "handsome" in a sentence.
A girl named Lateshia says "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's snake, my jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."
The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye.

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"yes, what do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey Billy Bob, did the FBI come"

"Yeah they did"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep"

"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

Puns for Educated Minds


1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .


3. She was only a Tennessee whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.


5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'


13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'


15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


17. A backward poet writes inverse.


18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.


19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .


21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'


22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'


23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

If you don't start out the day with a smile, it's not too late to start practicing for tomorrow.