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The Funeral




A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.


A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.


Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.


Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.


The man couldn't stand the curiosity.


He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.


"Whose funeral is it?"


"My wife's."


''What happened to her?"


The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."


He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"


The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.."


A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.


"Can I borrow the dog?"


The man replied, "Get in line."

A Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard -

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

Champion - Excellent

No two teams better illustrate the absence of the traditional powers better than the teams playing in the Tostitos BCS National Championship Game, No. 1 Auburn and No. 2 Oregon. Before this season, the Tigers and Ducks combined to win a share of one national title (Auburn, 1957) and three BCS bowl bids (Oregon, 2001, 2009; Auburn, 2004).

Yet the gap between the two would-be champions and the traditional powers pales before the gap between Oregon and Auburn themselves. The only thing these two schools have in common is their brand of offensive football, a spread attack run at a fast pace. As for the rest, the cultures of the two are so foreign that it's like they're separated by an entire country -- which, of course, they are.

In downtown Eugene, there's a statue of Ken Kesey, a writer known mostly for dropping acid.

In downtown Auburn, if the streets surrounding campus may be called that, they drop toilet paper.

The tradition of "rolling" the stately oaks at Toomer's Corner after an Auburn victory is as beloved as the lemonade sold at Toomer's Drugs. Eugene upholds its northwest honor by having its own microbrew. Ninkasi Brewing's top brand seems brewed with the Ducks in mind: Total Domination IPA.

Oregon and Auburn both open new basketball arenas this season. Auburn Arena opened in traditional Tigers fashion -- the men's basketball team lost the inaugural 70-69 to UNC-Asheville. Matthew Knight Arena in Eugene features 500 valet parking spaces -- for bicycles.

In Auburn, they are happy that the Iron Bowl moved back one week to Thanksgiving weekend, leaving the previous weekend for the opening of deer season.

In Eugene, quarterback Nate Costa's story of killing his first deer during an off week was met with howls of protest by local readers.

In Auburn, they love Tiger, their War Eagle.

In Eugene, they love spotted owls.

In Auburn, they have an annual race during Homecoming Week in which the top 25 finishers receive a homemade cake.

In Eugene, they have an annual Naked Bike Ride.

Even the State Mottos are so very different....

The Alabama state motto, Audemus Jura Nostra Defendere, means "We Defend our Rights"

For Oregon, its "Oregon..where the Men are Men...and so are half of the Women"

I thought it was Where men were men, but sheep were nervous

Papashine, you have it mixed up with Montaaaaaaaaaana !!

What A Real Woman Does....

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .

No wait....its BEER that does that.....

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite
bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.


After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Golf Course?"

Snowing in England


A heart-warming e-mail message from UK






Hi all, it's snowing like hell here today. My mate says since it's been snowing, all his missus does is look through the window.

He reckons if it gets much worse he'll have to let her in.