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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man, living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,
and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must
be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do
that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and
you can perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do
I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the
medicine will not work again until next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join
him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,
"1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began
throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Information about Gonorrhea Lectim


The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent
strain of this old disease. The disease is called "Gonorrhea Lectim". It's
pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible disease.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior
involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it
in 2008 when they re-elected Dalton McGunity's Liberals in Ontario and are
now starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because "Gonorrhea Lectim" is easily cured with a new drug just
coming on the market called "Votemout". It's pronounced "Vote-em-out". You
take the first dose in 2012 and don't engage in such behaviour again;
otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as
we know it in Ontario

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A:It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked,

'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.



I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.


I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.



The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.



And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.



As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She

seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of

the dice.



She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm

completely nude'.



With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an

Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...



'YES! YES! I WON, I WON !'



She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her

clothes and quickly departed.



The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them

asked, 'What did she roll?'



The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

How do you make a blondes eyes light up?
.
.
.
.
Shine a torch in her ear...

Is Sex Work?


A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel Decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of It was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.



There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% Pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.. God Bless the enlisted man.

Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6.. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5.. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it..


And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Posted on Facebook by a friend in ATL. Very funny stuff!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N1Im1xbjWQ