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After Christmas ,Esther's teacher asked her how she they spent her holiday away from school.
Here is what she wrote:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and
Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house , but Grandpa got
retarded and they moved to La Quinta, California. Now they live in a tin box and
have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their
bicycles , and wear name tags , because they don't know who they are
anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center , but they must
have got it fixed because it is all okay now , they do exercises there ,
but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too , but
they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate , there is
a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so
nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out , and go cruising in their
golf carts. Nobody there cooks , they just eat out. And , they eat the
same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out
past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out , bring food
back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa
worked all his life to earn his retardment and , says I should work hard
so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment , I want
to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out , so they
can visit their grandchildren.

AN OLD BUT GOOD ONE

Read until the end.....you'll laugh....
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word
is 'UP.' It is listed in the
dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky
or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we
wake UP ?


At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do

we speak UP , and why are the

officers UP for

election and why is it UP to the secretary to

write UP a

report? We call UP our friends,

brighten UP a room, polish UP the

silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We

lock UP the house and

fix UP the old

car.



At other times this little word has real special

meaning. People stir UP trouble,

line UP for

tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.



To be dressed is one

thing but to be dressed UP is

special.

And this UP is confusing: A

drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.



We

open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at

night. We seem to be pretty mixed

UP about UP !



To be

knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized

dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about

thirty definitions



If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may

wind UP with a hundred or

more.



When it threatens to rain, we say it is

clouding UP . When the sun comes out

we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it

soaks UP the

earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap

it UP , for now ........my time is UP !



Oh....one more thing:

What is the first thing you

do in the morning & the last thing you do at

night?



U

P !









Did that one crack you UP ?



Don't screw UP . Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book..or not...it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP

Sounds like something George Carlin or Gallagher would have performed while UP on stage.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm almost sure that George Carlin did whold stand-UP thing!!

Just changed my facebook language from english to english pirate. LOL, Its at the bottom of the home page.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.


* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

Three Holy Men & a Bear


A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD

of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ......circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.


FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Who in the hell is Larry, you say?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and his wife,
Linda, said, "Where the hell have you been?"

Larry replied, "I was out getting a tattoo!"

A tattoo?' she frowned. What kind of tattoo did you get?

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in
disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
on his privates?"

"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code
so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.