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Whatever.

Are Bing and jkill one and the same ?

This is a joke! There were no small animals or people harmed while typing this joke.


Bad start to a morning......

On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, poor bastard.

He looked at his dented car
and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started...

That made me laugh

Three women friends, one in
a casual relationship, one en-
gaged to be married and one a long-time wife,
met for drinks
after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards
how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by
engaging in some S&M role playing.


The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last
Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's
office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people
had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a
leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so
aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right
then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my
story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me
waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose
and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only
screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot
of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over
at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put
on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got
home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down
and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

<snork> funny!

Snopes says ' not true '

####Snopes

TRAFALGAR



Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Captain Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it .... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"


Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy."



.

Chuck was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

"What's up Chuck" asked the Landlord.
"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"

"It's my Four year old son." the man replied.

"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? - my lad's just the
same -
forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the landlord,
sympathetically.

" I only wish it was that" continued the customer, " but it's far worse
than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door
neighbour pregnant."

"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord

"It's not" said the man."the little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms"