AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Balderdash

a man walks into the local unemployment office and marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi.
You know, I just HATE drawing unemployment
checks. I'd really rather have a job." The social
worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very
wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard
for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all
of your clothes. Because of the long hours,
meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll
have a two bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

My good friend inherited $700,000 (US, to boot) three weeks ago. The next week he won 1.5 million in the lottery.

He's crying on a park bench and I said, "why, baby?"

"Nothin this week."

Upon hearing SIN,Chris and Amanda give us a math class on another topic , it reminded me of math and its progression. TEACHING MATH IN 1950** A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?...TEACHING MATH IN 1960**A logger sells a truckload of his lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?...TEACHING MATH IN 1970**A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?...TEACHING MATH IN 1980** A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:Underline the number 20. ...TEACHING MATH IN 1990**By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class discussion. How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? (there is no wrong answer, so please express your inner self)...TEACHING MATH IN 2005****EL hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es....?

is it just me - or was that one not-so-slightly racist?

lawcucui...you live in CA, you know it's just poking fun at the truth. Kinda like lawyer and priest jokes. Of course I hate those kind of people too!

Maybe I need to be bilingual.....although I do understand some latin

Laughter is good medicine

Maybe balderdash should go completly PC...no more making fun of Texans, Canadians, Old folks, pilots, politicians, old broads with face lifts, Belizians, kids, adulterers, the unemployed, Lawyers, Catholics, etc. NAH! So Jesse Jackson, the Pope and a Boy Scout are on an airplane together.....Ah, never mind!

A guy was hitch-hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind the wheel! Just then the car started slowly rolling forward again. He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same rest- aurant. They were looking around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look, isn't that the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it?"

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

1) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown

2) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

3) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."

--Dave Barry

5) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

6) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

7) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

8) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

9) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

10) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

11) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

12) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

13) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,
do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

14) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
the same."

--Oscar Wilde

15) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a
member of Congress... But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

16) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown

17) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry

18) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased


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