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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year Old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to Come over.



Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.



As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?



He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'



I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID

Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'



Jaden grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error

Before?''



No,' I replied.



'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it Out.'



So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T



I used to like the little shit.

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

I'm In!!!





Budget Alternative




Dear Mr. Harper,




Please find below my suggestion for fixing Canada's economy.




Instead of giving billions of dollars to the car industry that will squander

the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:




There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them 1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:




1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - Unemployment fixed.




2) They MUST buy a new CAR. Ten million cars ordered - Automotive Industry fixed.




3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing and Mortgage Crisis fixed.




4) They must send their kids to school / college / university - Crime rate fixed.




5) Buy $50 of alcohol/gas a week - there's your money back in duty / tax etc.




It can't get any easier than that!




P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers".
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder,a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and
knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"

In school the children began to identify the flavors of lifesavers by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa

To: God

FROM: THE DOG

Dear God:
Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?



Dear God:
Why do humans smell the flowers,
but seldom, if ever, smell one another?




Dear God:
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?
Or is it still the same old story?




Dear God:
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar,
the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog?

How often do you see a cougar riding around?
We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename
the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?



Dear God:
If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and
no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?



Dear God:
We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions,
hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.
What do humans understand?



Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.



Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?

_________________________________

Dear God:
Let me give you a list of just some of the things
I must remember to be a good Dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food
before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.,
just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with
Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur
before entering the house - not after.

8. I will not come in from outside
and immediately drag my butt.

9. I will not sit in the middle of the
living room and lick my crotch.

10. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when
I play with him and he makes that noise,
it's usually not a good thing.


P.S....

Dear God: When I get to Heaven
may I have my "nipped parts" back?

Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains un-awakened! (Anatole France)

I'm going to show Bubba this tonight!

Don't give Bubba false hopes about the "nipped parts".

Bill had just had a sauna and massage and was feeling really great. He stretched out on the bed and lazily said "I feel like a new man!"

"So do I", his wife replied.