AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Smiles for the day

Man Killed On Golf Course



A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those " F**king LESSONS" I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken "golf lessons" instead!"


He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.



This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A.. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:




* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ..


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China ..



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ...



* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ..




* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)



Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

Darwin Awards for 2011

Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students.
Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , IN.
A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector
Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip.. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

Never ceases to amaze me.. LOL, yes it would appear that Poole did remove himself from the gene pool but did not die.

BTW I am surprised that Toronto got two mentions.

According to Mythbusters, the bullet in the fuse box is BUSTED...

http://mythbustersresults.com/episode10

The man falling through the window happened in '93.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

Saul was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a accident and was in critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what
was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided he had to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting
a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating
his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant!

Then he remembered his wife. He was feeling very guilty as he dashed to

the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's

condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you. I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU. It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than
likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round-the-
clock care, and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will
have to change her colostomy bag every three hours; she will have to be

spoon fed three times a day, and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man was feeling so guilty and totally devastated, he broke down and

began sobbing his heart out.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just screwing with you. She's dead.

What'd you shoot?"

SB-1070 is having an effect.


Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands. Illegal immigrants are showing their outrage with Arizona's controversial new SB-1070 law by boycotting Arizona and moving elsewhere.


This reporter is here in the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix,and is talking with a Manuel Renaldo, who is one of those who is punishing Arizona by leaving. As he loaded his stolen car with his belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter through an interpreter, "It's a matter of principle. I refuse to be supported by a State that treats me like a criminal."


The effects of the exodus are being felt by Arizona retailers who are reporting less shoplifting of beer, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are Arizona hospitals which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits. Tattoo parlors are in a state of panic.

The Advantages of Tequila ...



Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from
shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered
yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about
Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your
shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just
about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost
immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles
that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and
awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you
never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila
may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use
Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea,
vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of
clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table
dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play
all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked
Twister.

Tequila: Leave Shyness Behind!