Rapier sent this to me...
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a movie for folks my age and calling it "Pumping Rust."
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me --they were cramming for their finals!
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company."
I've thought about those employment applications and that blank that always asks 'Who is to be notified in case of an emergency?" I think you should write..."A Good Doctor."
I've always wondered why they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office. What are we supposed to do.. write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while they deliver the mail?
I thought about being rich and it doesn't mean so much. Just look at Henry Ford-- all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
I wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp.
I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!"
I have decided that nostalgia is the VCR of our minds.
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a good person any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat
26. I'm not into working out! My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
27. Have you ever noticed.... Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
28. I think the reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
29. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.